Are you wondering why your partner is always picking fights with you? Is it a one sided thing or are you contributing to it too? If you are a female, it is possible that you can get emotional over anything. And when you get into your feelings, it can cause an argument in no time. Your emotions might be internal, but if you don't know how to manage it, these same personal emotions can be the cause of a quarrel.
While no relationship is void of arguments, there are some squabbles that are not necessary and some that are avoidable. According to expert reports, couples argue roughly seven times each day and that is the average, but not because this is normal does it mean that it should not be avoided. When couples or partners have repeated arguments on a continual basis, it can get hostile and is not good for the relationship. It can also create anger, misery and unhappiness over time. You should try to break this cycle of arguing all the time or you may end up breaking up.
Some partners use the arguments as a way to mentally manipulate the other partner; making them have doubt about themselves and sending them into second guessing themselves about everything. The person who mentally manipulates the other partner is using it as a way to control their actions and thoughts. The controlling partner is usually a narcissist that wants to make sure that the viewpoint they hold is the only valid one. The narcissist does it in such a way that it makes you believe that your feelings and interpretation is neither valuable nor valid. You might feel disrespected and consider the behavior unacceptable. It makes you react negatively and stubbornly and so the fight will always continue. As a result, it makes you frustrated and you end up arguing about it constantly.
Many people are vulnerable and open with a partner than they are with even a family member. And so it makes a lot of sense that each partner can be more reactive and affected by each other's responses. But, the things that are reactive could be deeper stuff than we originally thought until a partner forces us to confront it by mentioning it in an argument. Or it could be a case that they mention it and it starts the argument. All of us have had experiences that impact us in one way or the other. Our unique histories will typically shape the way that we behave towards each other. There are some partners that have a specific expectation on how a relationship should work and for this reason; partners enter a relationship with baggage. Most people hardly realize this, but more often than not, we react to a partner while in a conversation based on the triggered emotions of the past.
Most the anger that your partner feels toward you is the same anger that came from the past and because it was not dealt with, your partner might have brought it into the relationship. As kids, we use adaptation and defenses to handle our surroundings. These patterns are brought into a relationship or situation, even though they no longer are instrumental in serving us. We will often shut down and keep everything to ourselves as adults. It is bad not to deal with the issues that we faced as kids because they will overflow into our relationships. While shutting down might have been the way to deal with it as a kid, this will not work for you or your partner as an adult. You have to learn to problem solve and communicate with each other in a sober, open and encouraging way. You cannot be stubborn or you will be either at the receiving end of the argument.
If your partner is the one dishing out the dirt because of the stubborn attitude, then you are going to feel like you are being picked on. The argument is going to continue if you put up a defense against the angry partner. On the other hand, if your partner is trying to offer feedback and you refuse to accept it, this might be the reason why you feel like he or she is constantly picking fights with you. Putting up a defense means that you are not willing to listen and it ends up irritating your partner and if your behavior does not change, you will always be arguing about the same thing over and over again.
Your partner might have this negative attitude where it is hard to be positive in the relationship. As a result, the negativity seeps over into your personal space and if you reject it as any sane person would, it will eventually cause a squabble, whether you want to or not. Your inner voice might be telling you to walk away or not talk back, but if you believe that this could be an angry dad talking disrespectfully to you and that is something your dad did in the past, you will definitely react to your partner in a negative way. Two wrongs don't make a right and two negatives do not create a positive outcome. Your reaction to your partner's negativity is going to be important to how things turn out. If you react in a negative way, there could be more conflict.
There are certain ways that your partner behaves that irks you and in some ways, it is hard not to see it as being picked on all the time. For example, if your office is having a party and you did not invite your partner and it was found out through the grapevine, this might cause a subsequent fight. The partner who is not invited to the party might feel like the other partner is embarrassed about letting co-workers see who he or she is dating or in a relationship with. Another example is when one partner makes a critical comment of the other all the time. This might be seen as disrespectful and if it is done in a condescending way, of course, it will start a fight.
If your partner is always picking on you, it is time to take some kind of action to break this cycle so that you can live in some semblance of peace for a longer spell. You should find ways to interrupt this bad pattern. If not, you will always fall into the rut of having fights and soon, it will become normal and accepting. Once you can maintain some form of respect and sensitivity to each other while you address some of your most difficult and challenging issues, it is enviable that you will find a way to deal with it.
It is important that you maintain focus on things that are positive. Find things about your partner that you like and when your partner starts picking on you, mention those nice things that you like and it will throw him or her off. In some cases, he or she might not remember what the fuss was originally about anyway. When you are a positive person, it is much harder for a partner to continue with the negative behavior. As a positive person, your inner voice will take over and you will try to keep encouraging yourself not to respond in a negative way. Your inner voice allows you to remain alert toward anything that warns you that your partner might be disappointed with you. Step outside of the situation so that you are not drawn into it. If you have to go for a walk, by all means do so. While you walk, meditate on the things that made you love your partner. Think about the things that make you grateful for your partner. When you do this, by the time your walk is over, you will have already reached a level of maturity and gratitude; enough to forgive and remain positive. Change what you focus on and that means you should not focus on the fact that your partner constantly picks on you. Focus on what you can do to empower yourself so that you don't have to indulge in the squabble. Reject the negativity that your partner might have toward you. It will be easy to do this when you are empowered.
The closest relationships that we have will often trigger past emotions and so it is best to stay in the present with your partner. If you tap into the emotions of the past when your partner is picking a fightwith you, it can unleash some really deep hurt and you will respond accordingly. One comment from you might also trigger your partner's emotions from the past because your partner might not have dealt with it and it opens up wounds that were lying dormant before. And so, you have to know how to tread a fine line so that you don't overstep your boundaries. Remember that you were not part of your partner's part and unless your partner confided in you, there is no way that you will know the hurt your partner may have undergone. So instead of being defensive or combative, you should be compassionate and that might diffuse the situation. When you know for sure that the past experience that your partner went through is the issue, it can help you to relate to the situation and make you less likely to engage in a fighting match with your partner. Be open to the idea that the argument is not worth it and the energy that you are going to use up is not worth it. Try to see things from your partner's viewpoint and it might make it easier to understand their feelings.
Could it be that you are overly sensitive and everything your partner says upsets you? That could be the case and so it is important to tap into your own emotions to see if you are the one with the sensitivity problem. If so, then your partner might feel the need to criticize or tease your sensitivity; possibly because he or she does not understand it or just wants to make fun of you. And because you are so sensitive, that will trigger more sensitivity and may subsequently start a quarrel. Before you realize, you are both bickering over something so silly and then it gets into a full blown argument. You both have to learn how to interact and if you are the sensitive one, you have to work on it so things will get better.
Rather than reacting to your partner's picking on you, it is better to pause and interpret the interaction between you and your partner based on your attitudes and feelings. A lot of times, before either of you can make any sense of what is occurring, a fight has ensued because of the intensity of your reaction. If you took time to assess the situation of how you got to that point and exactly what is going on, you and your partner would be able to resolve the conflict between you. When you react to your partner's emotions without stopping to think about what could have caused it, then you only add to the conflict; making it worse. Instead of being reactive, you should show your curiosity by asking questions of your partner to know what could have set him or her off. Invite your partner to have a honest and open communication so you both can make an effort not to be defensive, sensitive or intimidating. Good communication could be the key to resolving all your issues.